Well, that's done, we're doing it, we can do it... but does that mean we should?

It's taken a while but work is manageable right now. We have pretty much learnt the job well enough now to relax a little tiny bit, though of course we have to work constantly managing our own wholly involuntary (in case you're feeling judgemental, and if you are, piss off) nervous and physical responses to the Non Stop Triggers All Around Us that is our workplace. Constantly conquering our stuff, that's what we're doing all day, engaged in this battle and we are conquering it, so far, so good, but it's all so exhausting and I really am starting to understand why Just Jo had to quit her job. I can't imagine doing this full time. It's just too much.

I've learnt so much about everything - about this life, about Just Jo who was our front for so long, and I've learnt heaps about "The World" and all its jack-in-a-box ways and it's been amazing.

It feel kinda "done" though now. I've done it, sort of. Well, I can see that if I just keep on with it, the way I have been, it will become easier and then I'll be able to add other challenges and hopefully there will be a time when I'll feel a sense of accomplishment or something to make all this stretching meaningful.

I know my own attitude was kind of ruthlessly, relentlessly can-do. It's a paradox isn't it, you've got to be delusional to cope with the kind of challenge this job has been for us. They KNEW that, thus couldn't. I didn't, that's why I could. Francis says "Catch 22". I know the story. And yes, it's a bit like that.

I'm starting to feel angry now, on behalf of all of us, but I'm not angry with anybody in particular, well, maybe with ME, for all the ignorance and judgement and ruthlessness I actually HAD to use to ride through this and to do it. So much effort, so much herculean labour, and for what??? I ask you, is Getting The Mail Report Out on Time truly a meaningful task deserving of this level of striving? Maybe it is, for us.

I know we can manage to do these things, we can if it's life or death, or a moral issue, or we really believe it must be done - we've been able to make the effort in those circumstances. I know that H. girls put everything into H.

I've also realised that my (secret) fantasy of managing this so brilliantly that we'd be able to work full time was a fantasy and is just not possible. Not even with the kind of delusional zealot I became in order to get us working at this job in the first place. It's been hard to accept - I started working as soon as I could, I was out of the dungeon, and as soon as I could hear and speak without drooling in public I was keen to work. I got a job as a waitress. That was such a surprise for all the castle girls (thea, just jo, francis) - they'd never expected that it was just so alien to them. Their idea of a job was always wordy, wordsmithing, talking, speeches - Francis would give guided walks and she did plenty of field work and physical stuff but it was Gentleman of Science type fieldwork, it wasn't Digging a Ditch. Just Jo worked hard teaching, and Thea did a lot of work writing in their old job. Nobody had ever thought of waitressing. And those three wouldn't have been able to remember a table anyway, that was not possible for them. I was only able to do it because I made sure it was just me and Calypso there, me doing the remembering and the coffee making and that side of it, and Calypso smiling (I wasn't that good at smiling still) and making sure my face didn't lapse back into paralysis or my hearing didn't go. (this was early on) They came out a bit, but not when it was busy. I was task-oriented, fully. Then we got the manager job. That was another step. I had a lot of help with that, but it was still me, my will, driving it all. And now we're here, with our current job. It's my will that makes it happen there too. And I'm still okay, but I am understanding now why things happenned in the past as they did, and learning that there's nothing magical about me, I can't will our problems away, I can just work hard, hard, hard to overcome them, but they do affect me too and I get tired too. And I'm pretty tired already. So, we'll just have to see.